I drank last night.

I am so so pissed off with myself, I had done over 2 weeks alcohol free and I was feeling great. My bloated tummy had gone down, my moods were improving, my face lost its redness, everything was good, and then I screwed it all up.

I drank because we had finished my daughters birthday party – 6 kids and a theme park, we didn’t lose anyone, there was no tears, we had a pretty good bloody day and then I felt the need to finish it off with booze – big mistake. What I should have done – I know this now and if I’m honest with myself I knew it at the time as well, was to let hubby go to the pub by himself (which he was happy to do), plonk the kids in front of a movie and plonked myself in a nice hot deep bath, but oh no instead I invited myself to the pub with hubby – 3 wines and then a bottle to share on the way home – blergh.

Totally NOT worth it, I feel like complete crap – my eyes look like piss holes in the snow, I have that horrid taste in my mouth that won’t go away – no matter how much I brush my teeth or suck on mints, my tummy is sick, my head is foggy, my mood is though the floor and beyond. I have a long busy day at work and all I want to do is go back to bed and hide from the world, wake up tomorrow morning in a better place.

A few hours of drinking is totally not worth a whole day of crappyness.

One good thing to come out of this – I know 100% I do not want to drink on my holiday – I do not want one day wasted because of bloody drink.

So tired

So so tired at the moment, I know it eventually passes but at this moment in time I feel I can barely keep my eyes open. met a friend for coffee today with her kids and I felt I was just staring at her blankly as she talked, my brain wasn’t processing anything she said and I could only nod and smile. Blergh!

Was chatting with another friend who we will be meeting up with on holiday, she is one of those who plans a million things to keep busy on holiday, we are the sort of people who chill and try to do as little as possible on holiday. Today I didn’t want to chat about plans, today I wanted to dream about lying on a nice hot beach. Having friends to meet up with on holiday is great cause it breaks it up a bit, but running round like a headless chicken on holiday is not my sort of holiday. Must sit down with hubby and work out exactly what and when we are doing – ensuring as much beach time as possible.

Sunday roast in 1 hour – then a very very very early night me thinks.

No pub today

After a long day at work, I was tired and hungry, hubby suggested the pub, I suggested he mind the kids for an hour while I have a nice long hot bath and then he could bugger off to the pub on his own and I would put the kids to bed – win/win situation. The bath was lush and long (1.5 hours, I had bath bombs and a new book, the kids were great (for once) and went quietly to bed after a short story, then I flopped in front of the TV with becks blues and dumplings mmmmmmmm.

Tomorrow we’ve booked in for a pub roast lunch – I’m not worried – I’ve also booked ice cream with hot fudge sauce for desert.

I feel like drinking

God I feel like drinking, and I know why it is, I’ve spend ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL day with my kids and as much as I love them, all day is an overload. We’ve been to the movies, been to McD’s been shopping and then met hubby in the pub (where I had 2 teas and a diet coke). The only thing that stopped me drinking is that I have an exercise class tonight that I really don’t want to miss. If I didn’t have that who knows? I also know I’m tired and I’m eating crap food – all triggers. I just feeling like sinking into a long hot bath and ignoring the world – instead I’m going to the gym to cause myself pain 🙂 – pain is better than booze – but maybe not quite as nice as a long hot bath.

May today soon be over.

1 week

Thank you for your comments and support, it really really does help reading the messages.

One week down, this week appears to have gone faster than a lot of my other week 1’s, I wonder if this is because I wasn’t counting and feverishly as I sometimes do, I checked occasionally where I was at, I bogged when I needed to , I didn’t make it a chore, i just got through life in general not drinking.

Not that it has been the easiest week, yes there have been lots of moments when I’ve wanted a drink, yes there have been lots of long hot baths, diet coke and chocolate. There has been a million and one mood swings and ups and downs, not made easier by the fact its pms week – in which i usually suffer bad mood swings and depression.

But a week is done and I’m on tho the next one, only 2 weeks till we jet of on holiday to sun, sea and sand.

Day 4

Last night my girls had friends over to ours for a sleepover, this is usually a good indication of wine – 4 children 9 years and under, a dog and two hamsters – recipe for vino.

Last night I didn’t drink alcohol, I drank becks blues and ate chinese.

At 8.30pm I let them do whatever they wanted as long as it was nowhere near me, at 10pm I gave them their ‘midnight’ feast and told them sleep, at 10.15 one of them had a tummy ache – it wasn’t a tummy ache she was homesick, this went of for quite a while, at 11pm my husband went to sleep in the spare bed and the child hopped into bed with me, at 12am I fell asleep, at 2.30am she woke me to tell me she still felt ill, I gave her a cuddle and told her to go to sleep cause no one was doing anything at 2.30am, at 4.30am her sister came ito my room to tell me she didn’t feel well – she got into bed with us, at 6am all the kids were wide awake – bright eyed and bushed tailed, not a sore tummy in site.

Had I been drinking this would have been a disaster, as it is it was bad enough but I am still able to function today, I have still made it into work looking respectable and able to cope with the day.

I feel happy and proud (and maybe a bit tired).

Still day 2

My god I’d forgotten how up and down the very early days are, my emotions are all over the place, my head is all over the place. At the moment the sadness has returned, the tiredness and the fuzzy brain. I just want to go to bed and have today finished with. As it is I have two children to feed and get to bed. I’ve oped for the easy dinner of Ham, chips and raw carrots. No baths, and at the moment they are plonked in front of the tv. Shit I’m tired, I’m supposed to be going to a gym class tonight – I don’t think I’ll make it, I think its gotta be bath and bed, so so so tired.

Day 2

Feeling so so much better today, I woke up happy, happy that I didn’t drink last night, happy that I had a good night sleep, happy that I know sobriety is the only path for me – even if its taking a while to get there.

These days the relapsing seems to occur more because I am happy, I’ve had a good day, had some good news etc and I feel the need to celebrate with wine. I seem to have got over the drowning my sorrows with wine bit, but now need to concentrate on enjoying life without thinking the moment will be enhanced with wine.

I have the day off today, I’m going to treat myself to lunch out at a gorgeous Italian restaurant that I love and does the most amazing garlic prawn spaghetti.

Day 1 – again and again and again

I’ve just had 4 nights of drinking – after 2.5 months of sobriety.

Why did I do it? I really really don’t know. I was enjoying my sobriety, I was happier, calmer, more patient with my children. My bloated red face had reduced significantly, I was happy looking at myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. Life in general was pretty good, I felt that this was it, I had nailed sobriety, this was my moment in time. Then I drank. Crap.

Anyways I’ve had 4 days of feeling rundown, sickly stomach, bloodshot eyes, depressed, sad and crappy. Now I would like to go back to sober happy me, so today is day 1.

I have had a long hot shower, I have stripped the bed, brought AF drinks for tonight, organised a takeaway for dinner, I will stay sober and look after myself, I want to feel good again.


Day 3

Ended up drinking on Mothers day, I had no plans to do anything of the kind, I had a lovely day with the family, nice long walks along the river, nice long hot baths, hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and plans of a takeaway in front of the TV, when hubby announced as a surprise he had booked dinner out – uh oh and thats where it all went pear shaped, I had a becks blue to start with and then gave into the cravings and had a glass of wine, I drank (I think) because at this point I was hungry (starving in fact) and tired (I just wanted dinner and TV), I didn’t even enjoy the taste of it – yuck, but then I ordered another and another and said nothing when hubby picked up a bottle of wine for us to share on the way home. So this is just another example of how I CAN NOT FUCKING MODERATE. Woke the next morning feeling upset, depressed and shitty BUT also more determined than ever that alcohol does not have a place in my life, I much prefer my life times a million without alcohol, I just need to remember this and stay strong when things outside my comfort zone go awry.