Day 19

Haven’t written for a few days. The weekend just been was pretty horrific, but not due to booze, I came down with the god awful flu-like symptoms, I say flu-like because it wasn’t the real flu as it only lasted 3 days, but it was that body aching, shaking, no strength, muzzy head, sore throat, snotty nose feeling and to top it all off I HAD to go into work the Saturday which was the first day I had it and it was mad busy at work. Sunday I stayed in bed the whole day and Monday I had to help my mum pack to go back home, she’s been visiting for a year so it was quite a big task. Tuesday was back to work. So I’m feeling better – still snotty nosed and slightly run down but way better than I was. The good thing was though that the drinking thoughts were limited as I felt so crap all I could think was that drinking would only make tomorrow much worse and I totally couldn’t have handled that.

I spent a lot of that week crying, whether it was the sickness, the no booze, the rundown-ness I don’t know but it felt quite good, sad but good, a release of emotions.

I’ve a late night tonight at work so no drinking and by tomorrow night I have a feeling I’ll be so bloody shattered that it’ll be Chinese takeaway, soaps and bed. Working Saturday and Sunday Monday off with NO plans and NO intention of making any – I think I might need a little downtime.

I need to make some self-care plans at the moment I’m eating crap, nil exercise, working all the hours under the sun and getting totally run down.

 

Day 13 – Then vs. Now

Day 13 and unlucky for some – but not me! nope today is going to be a good day, I mean come on its FRIDAY!!! Not that Fridays really mean that much to me anymore as I work Saturdays (and an early Saturday at that) but Friday is Friday and everybody is happy.

Previous Fridays involved a bottle of wine at home relaxing once I had the kids in bed. Actually previous Fridays involved me shouting and rushing the kids to bed as early as I could get then there, no bedtime stories and dirty looks if they dared venture downstairs once put to bed, guzzling down the wine while watching crap late into the night, hubby coming home, probably rowing with him and then passing out in bed, waking the next morning early for work hungover.

My now Friday is home, chinese takeaway for me and the kids, kids movie till a normal kids bedtime, kisses and cuddles, becks blues, chocolate still watching crap on tv but finishing early and heading to bed before hubby gets home (in the hope I will be asleep before he falls into bed snoring or else I’ll never get to sleep) waking the next morning (yes still far to early) with no hangover and able to deal with the day clear headed.

Soooooooooooooooooooo much better.

Day 12 – Feeling good

I had another amazing night sleep last night, yes the full 8 hours, in all honesty 9 would probably be my ultimate but between an early riser hubby and kids that is probably never going to happen, so I’ll take 8 and be happy with it.

Some people say they are an early bird or a night owl, me – I’m neither  – I am a bed person, I love my bed in the mornings, I love to sleep in when occasionally allowed, even if I’m awake I love to lounge around in my bed good book, iPad, tea = the perfect morning. I also love to go to bed early 10pm is my latest and even then I start to get twitchy thinking I should have been in bed at least half an hour ago, if I’ve got a good book I’ll read for a bit then sleep, if I don’t have a good book I just go straight to sleep.

One of the many things I love about sobriety is the truly deep refreshing sleep you get, it helps to heal and recover me, it makes the days do-able, brighter and fresher.

I feel bright and alert today, probably a good thing as I have a long 12 hour day at work, no mornings off today. In early recovery maybe long days are good for me, it means I go home late and dive straight into bed, less drinking thoughts and more pillow time.

We don’t have any big plans for this weekend which I am very thankful for, between Christmas, New Year and Birthday parties I am so ready for a chilled out weekend.

Day 11 fog lifting

Made it through to day 11, so far so good and apart from the mini meltdown last weekend things have been improving. My mood with my girls has shifted dramatically, yes I do still have mad mummy moments where I am still screeching my head off, but, I am able to now deal with most things in a much more rational manor, I have managed to stop rolling my eyes at every request made, I am able to listen (yes even to the moaning and whinging) and not snap back, but reply in a much calmer fashion, car journeys to school are much less chaotic and we actually walk into the school grounds talking to each other rather than glaring at each other, yes life is so much calmer without booze.

My sleep is improving, one rule I must stick to though – No diet coke before bed, I am not a coffee drinker, I am a very very weak tea drinker therefore stuffing my body with caffeine just before bed is NOT a good idea, even when I’m shattered all it serves to do is keep me awake and then I stress because I’m not sleeping and the whole thing just ends badly.

I’ve somehow ended up with this morning off, which is a very unusual occurrence as I run my own business which usually involves a shit load of input, so I am profoundly grateful for this little breath of fresh air in my day, I’m planning on a nice long walk with the dog, getting the car cleaned and grocery shopping – all the little mundane things that make life easier.

Have a lovely day x

Still Shattered

Well last night didn’t quite go according to plan.

Instead I ended up picking up and bringing back to the house another of my hubbys relatives. She lasted an hour and then wanted to go home, hubby offered to take her, ‘oh how nice’ I thought, then he ruined it by adding ‘and if you don’t mind we’ll pop to the pub on the way home’ (we being him and the other relatives) fine I thought, out of my hair is better, the only problem was he left all 4 kids – sigh. By the time they finished ‘playing’ i.e. trashing the house and I’d got them to bed with a million and one tantrums, I was gone, completely and utterly gone, hubby and family rocked up half an hour later and I was in bed sobbing, I think it might have shocked him a bit – hopefully it did. Once I’d started I couldn’t stop, it was the full on gulping, shaking sobs that leave you red faced and snotty. All in all I felt much better when I’d finished, and hopefully hubby will now pull his finger out and start being a little more supportive.

I’ve had a pretty chilled day today, hubby has been very attentive, kids homework done, they’re washed and bathed, I had a nice long walk with the dog and an even longer nice hot bath with lush bath bombs, hubby is at the pub (eyes roll), kids are in front of the tv and heading for a very early night to bed, as am I.

Sweet dreams.

Knackered

Oh Lord I am knackered. Had a 5.30am wake up call this morning – due to it being birthday party day, please bear in mind I had a 5.30am wake up call 2 days ago as it was the actual Birthday day. Was at work at 8.15am , home by 10.15am, at the birthday party with thirteen 6 year olds by 10.45, got rid of them all by 3pm and am now back at work till 5pm, actually I don’t think knackered even covers it.

I have drink on the brain, and this is what happens to me, I get overtired and feel I need a drink to ‘pep me up’, awaken me, get the cylinders firing rather than the exhaustion that is over taking me.

So the plan is to finish here and instead of heading home to the family I’m going to find a nice quiet cafe and treat myself to a nice large hot chocolate and cake before heading home, hopefully the treat will work and the hot chocolate will give me the sugar rush to last the night out – oh did I mention we have my hubby family and kids staying the night?

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhh

Belated happy New Year – New Me!

Ummmm so I didn’t quite make New Years eve a sober one, however, myself and hubby were in bed by 10pm and woke up the next morning feeling reasonably ok. and yes since then I have been sober, so we’re up to day 6 – Yay!

Day one was the hardest – new years day, my mum minded the kids for a few hours and we went ………. Yes to the bloody pub. The first one we went to I asked for a tea, they weren’t very happy about making it, I asked hubby to leave after that one, we went to another pub, which was warm and cosy and very happy to make me numerous cups of tea – I can drink tea like its going out of fashion. Hubby wanted the final one for the road and I said ‘no way mate, your time is up, I’ve done all the tea drinking I can and I’m starting to get wicked, get your but in the car and lets go home to a nice cosy fire, couch at tv’ Which he did after one soulful look which was ignored.

The other days haven’t been so bad, maybe because I’m back into a work routine and prior to xmas/new year had mostly been binge drinking the weekends and off the booze during the week. This has not always been the case, when I first started my sober journey (6 bloody years ago) I was a bottle of wine (if not more) a day girl, however recent circumstances changed it to a binge drinking weekend girl – nice!

This weekend will be the challenge I have thirteen 6 year olds round for a birthday party tomorrow, I am worried I will need the brain numbing that comes with wine when its all over. I’ve loaded up on becks blues, diet coke and chocolate which hopefully will get me through it all.

Onwards and upwards

 

Day 2

Made it to day two at least.

Had quite a good sleep last night and have had a pretty chilled out day, nice lie in this morning – albeit with two girls snuggled into bed with me, had a friend with kids over for a catch up and playdate, they’ve now gone and I’ve an hour till the neighbours kids arrive for a sleepover. Actually none of that sounds very relaxing but as far as I’m concerned if the kids are kept occupied by someone else then they’re out of my hair and I’m more chilled.

Am starting to worry about New Years eve now, originally it was just our family and 2 friends meeting up for an early meal/drink and then home to bed, but suddenly (through no fault of my own) more and more people have been invited to this early shindig, which means it’ll end up being a late shindig with more and more booze being consumed. I don’t want to drink new years eve, I’ve no desire right now to drink either, but I can only handle drunken outings in small time doses early on in the sobriety journey (I know this from previous experience). Oh well we’ll just have to see what happens, I’m driving so I can always abandon hubby and come home on my own with the kids. Must make sure I have plenty of treats at home so I don’t feel i’m missing out.

I’m looking forward to waking up New Years day hangover free, smug and smiling

Day 1 – again

I wonder how many day 1’s you can have before you just give up?

Day 1 again today, got through the last day 1 (two days ago) surviving on carbs and diet coke. got through most of day 2 yesterday, even went to lunch with people who were drinking, made it half way home and stopped at the pub for wine – why? god knows, maybe a reward for getting through a stressful non-drinking wine lunch. And do you know what goes through my head while I’m drinking my first one or two wines? ‘I’ve got this, I’ve so got this, see I can come to the pub and just have one or two’ What a load of bollocks – I had three and then went home and drank red wine, I then had a big meltdown ended up bawling my eyes out and went to bed, woke 3 times in the nights dying of thirst and sweating like mad even through its in the minus’s outside, woke up feeling like crap – utter and total crap.

Its so not worth it, so why do I keep doing it?

Hubby this morning said we’ll do a dry January, I said I don’t think I can wait till January, I told him not to let me near any pubs AT ALL and that from today there is NO wine in the house.

I will get though today again – feeling tired, grumpy, angry, sad and probably shouting at the kids (ok not probably as its already happened about 3 time). I have no great plans for the next week just to get through it sober.

Day 1

I’ve had this blog for ages, I’ve written and deleted a couple of day 1 blog posts, I’m not going to delete this one, whether I succeed or fail it will be recorded, I hope I will succeed.

I’ve been trying to get sober for about 5 years now, I’ve done days, weeks and months – most notably 5 months, then it all went to shite and I started drinking again.

Over the years my drinking pattern has changed, I was originally a bottle of wine (sometimes more) a day girl, now I tend to be a weekend binge drinker. But whatever the drinking habit it’s making me tired, grumpy, angry, low mood, irritated, no patience, no motivation and bloated, none of the things you want when your a mum of two fabulous young girls and have recently stared up a new business that requires, energy, confidence and motivation.

I wanted desperately to be sober this christmas, I had a sober christmas a few years ago and I loved it. I wasn’t sober this christmas and I didn’t  love it, I felt angry, frustrated and hungover – for 4 days, christmas eve, christmas day, boxing day and today – blergh.

So a week before new years eve might not be the right time to start but then I don’t think any day is ever going to be the right time to start. We don’t have any major plans for new years eve anyway, we are supposed to be meeting some friends of an early drink, I’ve done not drinking around these friends before so their sort of used to it, the pub we’re going to has becks blues and diet coke – so I think I could survive a sober new years eve and then I would wake up bright and fresh for a brand new year, feeling proud and happy rather than guilty and shitty.

So I get through today and tomorrow is day 2 – a non hungover day, so much better than today, but then again today will be so much better than yesterday.