Ended up drinking on Mothers day, I had no plans to do anything of the kind, I had a lovely day with the family, nice long walks along the river, nice long hot baths, hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows and plans of a takeaway in front of the TV, when hubby announced as a surprise he had booked dinner out – uh oh and thats where it all went pear shaped, I had a becks blue to start with and then gave into the cravings and had a glass of wine, I drank (I think) because at this point I was hungry (starving in fact) and tired (I just wanted dinner and TV), I didn’t even enjoy the taste of it – yuck, but then I ordered another and another and said nothing when hubby picked up a bottle of wine for us to share on the way home. So this is just another example of how I CAN NOT FUCKING MODERATE. Woke the next morning feeling upset, depressed and shitty BUT also more determined than ever that alcohol does not have a place in my life, I much prefer my life times a million without alcohol, I just need to remember this and stay strong when things outside my comfort zone go awry.
Feeling much much better than last weekend, the tiredness is still present but not that utter and complete exhaustion that I experienced last weekend, this tiredness is just from working to much. The anger has subsided and the sadness is appearing, everything is making me tearful, songs on the radio, sad stories on TV or Facebook, nice stories on tv and Facebook, my own thoughts anything and everything.
I’m trying to be kind to myself, I’m enjoying tea and hobnobs, I’m hiding away at my workplace after hours just to have an hour of peace to myself, I’m treating myself to white hot chocolate from a gorgeous cafe down the road.
This Sunday is Mothers day, we never eat out on Mothers day, its like eating out on valentines night, completely packed and over priced. We have a babysitter Saturday night and are going out for a meal, Sunday will be gymnastic pickups and drop-offs and a nice walk along the river to a cafe for tea and cakes, nice chilled and relaxed.
Slept like a log last night apart from the odd having to whack hubby over the head due to snoring.
Long day at work today which I hate but it has to be done and to be honest keeps me away from the drink as by the time I get home all I’m ready for is bed.
Hubby is taking the kids away for a week in the easter school holidays, I have to stay and work, but I don’t resent it, in some ways (ok lots of ways) I’m really really looking forward to some me time, I can come home from work and there is no one and nothing that needs my attention, I can have a bath immediately, I can go straight to bed, I can do whatever the hell I want – for me. I’m getting a cleaner in the day after they have left. I’m planning a spa day for one at the local spa, I am looking forward to some snore free nights – bliss.
So yesterday was the anger – I hate the anger, the anger makes me angry, and is another huge trigger, the thoughts go something like this ‘well if I’m gonna feel like this I might as well bloody drink anyway’ The anger makes me feel like a shit mum and wife, which makes me more angry and sad – and this makes me want to drink as well.
But anyways yesterday is over and today is a new day, the anger has subsided, the tiredness is improving. I had a good day at work, the kids are in bed and I’m heading there in a moment.
Luckily we have no big plans for the weekend, so hopefully it’ll be a nice quiet, anger free, tired free weekend.
Managed to get through yesterday, it wasn’t the drink that was calling me it was my bed, I was so so exhausted, for the whole day, not just a bit of it but the whole bloody thing, made me feel I was going mad, I could barely keep my eyes open. Hubby was very very supportive and took the eldest child to the birthday party, I was worried I might fall asleep on the drive and then the idea of having to converse with other parents nearly made me cry, so he was great, I then sent the youngest daughter over to the neighbours to play for a few hours and then I went and had a nice long hot bath, managed to stay awake (just about). Girls came home and hubby went to the pub, I drove them down to the supermarket and told them to choose whatever they wanted for dinner (two ham sandwiches) and desert (wotsits and pringles), I got a microwave meal and some kettle chips for myself and a oven pie for hubby, went home and we dossed down in front of a movie for 2 hours then hubby was home to put them to bed. Watched crap tv for an hour and then fell into a fabulously deep sleep – with only one weird dream.
So I survived and am already feeling better today, I’ve dropped the kids to school, done a grocery shop in which I indulged in bath oils and a new book, I’m now sitting in starbucks with a strawberry and cram frapacccino – YUM and now heading off to get my nails done – well whats a girl to do with 7 sober days under her belt.
Slept well last night, a few weird dreams but pretty much a deep slumbering sleep, but still woke up tired this morning – grrrrrrrrrrr. I have been yawning all morning and its only 10am.
As I said last night tiredness really is one of my biggest triggers, what happens is I get over tired and then I think a drink will pep me up and make me feel better, more alive, more sociable and able to cope, when I’m tired and not drinking I feel like a granny (no offence at all to grannies – my granny is going all guns blazing at 91), but I just feel older that my years, maybe I’m mourning my youth, I just wish I felt energetic with not drinking, not going from one extreme to the other i.e drinking and all guns blazing to not drinking and feeling exhausted. I’m sure it will get better and in a months time I’ll have the energy without needing the drink but at the moment I am just tired, happy to be sober – so happy – but tired.
Tomorrow is my real day off – No work, kids at school, hubby at work, so I am now going to think of some nice treats to reward myself for getting through one whole week.
End of day 5.
Ended up working late again, ended up meeting hubby in the pub again and staying to watch the end of the rugby and having 2 AF beers. Drove home, am tired now, really tired, but looking forward to waking up hangover free tomorrow. Plans for: family walks, kids birthday party to attend and gymnastics classes, busy but family orientated which is what I need.
I seem to start each morning refreshed but completely flag by the afternoon, I hope this resolves soon as tiredness is one of my top triggers.
Staying strong x
So here I am sitting at work (again) with a cup of tea next to me and I’m feeling fabulosa!!! Please Lord let me never forget how amazing it is to wake up on a Saturday morning hangover free (even if I do have to be at work at silly o’clock’).
I went to pick the kids up from the pub last night and ended up staying for 2 alcohol free bears, it didn’t bother me really, just showed me how I do NOT want to be like all the other drunk people in the pub – blurred eyes, slurring, repeating ‘funny’ stories, boring, boring, boring. I was so happy to go home to bed.
We were meant to go to the pub again tonight to watch he England vs Ireland game but I’ve already told hubby he’s free to go and stay as late as he likes but me and the girls are having a movie night in. The girls are very excited about this – due to long work hours I don’t nearly see as much of them as I should, so this will be a nice time to chill and connect.
Oh my God the drinking thoughts last night were unreal – ‘you don’t really have a problem’ ‘see how you can give up during the week’ ‘ pub this weekend, pub this weekend, pub this weekend’ ‘moderation is fine’ ‘this time will be different’ ‘you can totally control it – just try a bit harder’ round and round and round inside my head. Luckily I was at work and couldn’t act on it, luckily by the time I finished work I was so knackered I just about managed to drive home and collapse into bed.
So tonight is Paddys night, I’ve informed hubby I won’t be joining him in the pub, I will have to pick the kids up from him from the pub (nothing I can do about this) but my plan is to stay late at work (drinking hot chocolate and reading blogs), then pick the kids up from him at bedtime and head straight home with them. He’s ok with this, I’m ok with this so it works well for all.
Work tomorrow, it’ll be nice to be coming into work on a Saturday feeling refreshed rather than crap. Then looking forward to enjoying my two days off hangover free – YAY.
Slept better last night, but woke early (or was woken I should say). Feel like I’m in a bit of a daze to be honest, like everything’s happening around me but not to me – if that makes any sense?
I have a really long day at work today – 2 hours, I hate the long days, they really take it out of me and bugger me up for Friday and Saturday until I have my two days off to recover on Sunday and Monday, I think the two long days in a row are one of the (many) reasons I would end up drinking on a Friday night, I would feel so absolute bloody shattered that I would use the drink just to pep me up, to make me feel alive and awake, Yes it worked well on the night but not quite so well the next morning when I would have to head into work hungover, feeling like crap, depressed, tearful and just trying t get through the day, promising myself thats it! Till 5pm when ‘well just one or two to make me feel slightly better’ (what one or two bloody bottles more like it) and repeat the next day. Blergh – well not this weekend, no this weekend is full of hot baths, hot chocolates and sleep thank you.