Well I fell asleep very quickly last night but still didn’t have the most refreshing sleep, lots of odd dreams and the hubby snoring, am thinking of investing in some earplugs, I never wanted to do it before – well, I did but the kids were to young and I needed to hear them if they cried out in the night, however they’re older now and well able to come into our room if there is a problem in the night, also if they do cry out there’s nothing to stop hubby hearing and responding to them – yes earplugs are definitely on the to get list.
Am going to start the morning off with a nice healthy smoothie and pack something reasonably healthy for lunch and dinner later on.
I have a long day at work today so will get home 9ish and fall straight in to bed for a hopefully more refreshing sleep.
It’s St Patricks day this Friday, my husband is Irish, we go out every year for Paddys night, this year is the same, we are meeting up with friends at the local Irish pub for drinks and Irish stew. I’ve already informed hubby that I’m not drinking, I’m driving and we are bringing the kids so we can make an early getaway – we at least I can, he can stay on longer if he wants.
I’m feeling strong today.
Pretty much coasted through today, I knew I wouldn’t drink tonight so there wasn’t all those thoughts in my head (drink/don’t drink, drink/don’t drink etc etc) but I know they’ll kick in with a vengeance on Friday night ‘oh look how good you’ve been all week’ ‘ you deserve a treat’ ‘you don’t really have a problem’ ‘you can moderate’ – Ha moderate, if i could bloody moderate I wouldn’t have been struggling with my drinking for the past 6 years.
I had a long hot shower this morning, changed the bed sheets, ate reasonably healthy and smiled a lot – Long may sobriety last, days like today are so so much better than yesterday.
So I managed Dry January, felt amazing, decided to do dry Feb and have drank every weekend since deciding that, decided to give up wine for lent – and have drank every single weekend since deciding that – crap.
And once again its getting more and more, more booze, more days, so what started off as just Saturday night now involves Friday, Sunday and hell lets just throw in Monday night as well to make sure I feel truly crap. What started off as two glasses of wine is now up to two bottles of wine.
So what does this wine drinking achieve? I’ll tell you what it achieves:
- Me feeling like utter and total crap
- Me being grumpy and short tempered with my kids
- Looking bloated
- Fights with hubby
- Shite sleep
- Loss of confidence
- Work is starting to suffer – I run my own business, this involves a lot of people work and a lot of hours – I’m letting them down, I’m letting me down
- Tiredness – I’m so goddam tired all the time
- Eyes that look like piss holes in the snow
- The thoughts in my head are either ‘ Drink drink drink’ or ‘ha you drank – you suck, you have no self control, drink more to make yourself feel better’
Its got to stop, its got to stop today, I have to put plans in place, I have to put myself first, I know the first week/month is three hardest, its time to knuckle down and get sober, get sober stay sober.
Haven’t written for a few days. The weekend just been was pretty horrific, but not due to booze, I came down with the god awful flu-like symptoms, I say flu-like because it wasn’t the real flu as it only lasted 3 days, but it was that body aching, shaking, no strength, muzzy head, sore throat, snotty nose feeling and to top it all off I HAD to go into work the Saturday which was the first day I had it and it was mad busy at work. Sunday I stayed in bed the whole day and Monday I had to help my mum pack to go back home, she’s been visiting for a year so it was quite a big task. Tuesday was back to work. So I’m feeling better – still snotty nosed and slightly run down but way better than I was. The good thing was though that the drinking thoughts were limited as I felt so crap all I could think was that drinking would only make tomorrow much worse and I totally couldn’t have handled that.
I spent a lot of that week crying, whether it was the sickness, the no booze, the rundown-ness I don’t know but it felt quite good, sad but good, a release of emotions.
I’ve a late night tonight at work so no drinking and by tomorrow night I have a feeling I’ll be so bloody shattered that it’ll be Chinese takeaway, soaps and bed. Working Saturday and Sunday Monday off with NO plans and NO intention of making any – I think I might need a little downtime.
I need to make some self-care plans at the moment I’m eating crap, nil exercise, working all the hours under the sun and getting totally run down.
Day 13 and unlucky for some – but not me! nope today is going to be a good day, I mean come on its FRIDAY!!! Not that Fridays really mean that much to me anymore as I work Saturdays (and an early Saturday at that) but Friday is Friday and everybody is happy.
Previous Fridays involved a bottle of wine at home relaxing once I had the kids in bed. Actually previous Fridays involved me shouting and rushing the kids to bed as early as I could get then there, no bedtime stories and dirty looks if they dared venture downstairs once put to bed, guzzling down the wine while watching crap late into the night, hubby coming home, probably rowing with him and then passing out in bed, waking the next morning early for work hungover.
My now Friday is home, chinese takeaway for me and the kids, kids movie till a normal kids bedtime, kisses and cuddles, becks blues, chocolate still watching crap on tv but finishing early and heading to bed before hubby gets home (in the hope I will be asleep before he falls into bed snoring or else I’ll never get to sleep) waking the next morning (yes still far to early) with no hangover and able to deal with the day clear headed.
Soooooooooooooooooooo much better.
I had another amazing night sleep last night, yes the full 8 hours, in all honesty 9 would probably be my ultimate but between an early riser hubby and kids that is probably never going to happen, so I’ll take 8 and be happy with it.
Some people say they are an early bird or a night owl, me – I’m neither – I am a bed person, I love my bed in the mornings, I love to sleep in when occasionally allowed, even if I’m awake I love to lounge around in my bed good book, iPad, tea = the perfect morning. I also love to go to bed early 10pm is my latest and even then I start to get twitchy thinking I should have been in bed at least half an hour ago, if I’ve got a good book I’ll read for a bit then sleep, if I don’t have a good book I just go straight to sleep.
One of the many things I love about sobriety is the truly deep refreshing sleep you get, it helps to heal and recover me, it makes the days do-able, brighter and fresher.
I feel bright and alert today, probably a good thing as I have a long 12 hour day at work, no mornings off today. In early recovery maybe long days are good for me, it means I go home late and dive straight into bed, less drinking thoughts and more pillow time.
We don’t have any big plans for this weekend which I am very thankful for, between Christmas, New Year and Birthday parties I am so ready for a chilled out weekend.
Made it through to day 11, so far so good and apart from the mini meltdown last weekend things have been improving. My mood with my girls has shifted dramatically, yes I do still have mad mummy moments where I am still screeching my head off, but, I am able to now deal with most things in a much more rational manor, I have managed to stop rolling my eyes at every request made, I am able to listen (yes even to the moaning and whinging) and not snap back, but reply in a much calmer fashion, car journeys to school are much less chaotic and we actually walk into the school grounds talking to each other rather than glaring at each other, yes life is so much calmer without booze.
My sleep is improving, one rule I must stick to though – No diet coke before bed, I am not a coffee drinker, I am a very very weak tea drinker therefore stuffing my body with caffeine just before bed is NOT a good idea, even when I’m shattered all it serves to do is keep me awake and then I stress because I’m not sleeping and the whole thing just ends badly.
I’ve somehow ended up with this morning off, which is a very unusual occurrence as I run my own business which usually involves a shit load of input, so I am profoundly grateful for this little breath of fresh air in my day, I’m planning on a nice long walk with the dog, getting the car cleaned and grocery shopping – all the little mundane things that make life easier.
Have a lovely day x
Well last night didn’t quite go according to plan.
Instead I ended up picking up and bringing back to the house another of my hubbys relatives. She lasted an hour and then wanted to go home, hubby offered to take her, ‘oh how nice’ I thought, then he ruined it by adding ‘and if you don’t mind we’ll pop to the pub on the way home’ (we being him and the other relatives) fine I thought, out of my hair is better, the only problem was he left all 4 kids – sigh. By the time they finished ‘playing’ i.e. trashing the house and I’d got them to bed with a million and one tantrums, I was gone, completely and utterly gone, hubby and family rocked up half an hour later and I was in bed sobbing, I think it might have shocked him a bit – hopefully it did. Once I’d started I couldn’t stop, it was the full on gulping, shaking sobs that leave you red faced and snotty. All in all I felt much better when I’d finished, and hopefully hubby will now pull his finger out and start being a little more supportive.
I’ve had a pretty chilled day today, hubby has been very attentive, kids homework done, they’re washed and bathed, I had a nice long walk with the dog and an even longer nice hot bath with lush bath bombs, hubby is at the pub (eyes roll), kids are in front of the tv and heading for a very early night to bed, as am I.
Oh Lord I am knackered. Had a 5.30am wake up call this morning – due to it being birthday party day, please bear in mind I had a 5.30am wake up call 2 days ago as it was the actual Birthday day. Was at work at 8.15am , home by 10.15am, at the birthday party with thirteen 6 year olds by 10.45, got rid of them all by 3pm and am now back at work till 5pm, actually I don’t think knackered even covers it.
I have drink on the brain, and this is what happens to me, I get overtired and feel I need a drink to ‘pep me up’, awaken me, get the cylinders firing rather than the exhaustion that is over taking me.
So the plan is to finish here and instead of heading home to the family I’m going to find a nice quiet cafe and treat myself to a nice large hot chocolate and cake before heading home, hopefully the treat will work and the hot chocolate will give me the sugar rush to last the night out – oh did I mention we have my hubby family and kids staying the night?
Ummmm so I didn’t quite make New Years eve a sober one, however, myself and hubby were in bed by 10pm and woke up the next morning feeling reasonably ok. and yes since then I have been sober, so we’re up to day 6 – Yay!
Day one was the hardest – new years day, my mum minded the kids for a few hours and we went ………. Yes to the bloody pub. The first one we went to I asked for a tea, they weren’t very happy about making it, I asked hubby to leave after that one, we went to another pub, which was warm and cosy and very happy to make me numerous cups of tea – I can drink tea like its going out of fashion. Hubby wanted the final one for the road and I said ‘no way mate, your time is up, I’ve done all the tea drinking I can and I’m starting to get wicked, get your but in the car and lets go home to a nice cosy fire, couch at tv’ Which he did after one soulful look which was ignored.
The other days haven’t been so bad, maybe because I’m back into a work routine and prior to xmas/new year had mostly been binge drinking the weekends and off the booze during the week. This has not always been the case, when I first started my sober journey (6 bloody years ago) I was a bottle of wine (if not more) a day girl, however recent circumstances changed it to a binge drinking weekend girl – nice!
This weekend will be the challenge I have thirteen 6 year olds round for a birthday party tomorrow, I am worried I will need the brain numbing that comes with wine when its all over. I’ve loaded up on becks blues, diet coke and chocolate which hopefully will get me through it all.
Onwards and upwards